Saturday, December 13, 2008
Now that it all seems clear to me, yeah, i would never trust you again. You got too many dark secrets that i might never even discover even if i were to search my whole life.
Wishing we could turn back the hands of times, is the only thing i crave in my lifetime.
Wishing that things stay the same, even though they will never be the same again.
posted at [11:21 PM]
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Sunday, December 07, 2008
Life has sort of stabilized for me. But now i feel so lost. Life is so hectic, and i feel so numb. Every day, i just sit on the train , wondering, where when can i stop in life. To take a break, and enjoy the walk in the park like i always dream of.
Nightmares keep coming back to haunt me. I cant help but feel betrayed. I cant help to feel helpless, I cant help but feel lonely.
It used to be so easy, to just pick up the phone and connect. But now , i feel so out of connection with every one. I feel like i'm alone in this world. I want to get out of this vicious cycle and get to find friends which i can once again depend on.
Yet at times , i enjoy this solitude of mine. To walk alone, to be oblivious to the people around me. I just wanna sit down there and watch people walk by.
If i had to use one word to describe my life now, i guess it would the word LOST.
I am good in the things i did, and the things i do and the things i will be doing. But does it really matter? I'm known as some one who is capable, independent and popular. But is it really the case?
I am capable because i just want to be right, because i put in more effort and going the extra mile for that passion in life of mine.
I am independent because things things i fight for, are things people would agree, but never fight for. I am independent because no one stands by me and i don't seek people to do so.
I am popular because i always seems to have alot of friends. Only on the surface. Does any one really tried to understand me? Bro, is what they call when they need help or when they are lonely. The fact is i just need a couple of friends, a couple of real solid friends.
Yes, i am negative in this post. So? Does it matter? I don't even know what i'm really writing or even doing in my life. I'm just doing what most people do daily.
Going through the motion.
But i ain't happy.
posted at [10:56 PM]
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Its been a while since i blogged, I don't know where to start, what to say. But i need an outlet.
Life's been driving me crazy. I am not the same anymore. I don't know the real meaning of joy anymore. Reality has hit home. I need to start focusing on the future.
BGR-wise, im glad everything came to an end. Some things just have to be cut off. You can't leave strands hanging, some how, they'll always come back to haunt you. I know i hate the fact that you lied to me so many times, but at least i know today, irregardless of everything , i've learnt to walk alone.
All along, i was searching for some one to hold my hand , to guide me along this troubled path i took. You kept assuring me you were the one, but every now and then, you took a dagger and stabbed it into my heart, i held on. For i believed that maybe , some day things will be back the to same. Its ok being friends. But after a while , when the truth is all out, i know , i have to leave. Before i lose myself.
And i shall slowly update those who might one day come across this.
I am now a fitness specialist trainee in pasir laba camp. Pretty hell hole of a course if you ask me, you need to attend draggy lessons, attend and conduct mock PT lessons and still meet up to the physical training and tests. Pretty bad for a bad runner like me. Learning how to endure and excel has indeed become an important part of my life. I don't know where to go, with so many doors open to me. I'm still looking for the right door and the right person to walk with me through it.
posted at [6:47 PM]
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Thats the fourth time i caught you going clubbing without my knowledge. So much bullshit. Too many lies.I guess i would never know how many times you actually did go.
Who knows what you did on the dance floor. No doubt i went zouk and had a hell of a time. its only to spite you.
The way you went to meet another guy so shadily. I wonder whats on your mind.
You didnt even mind if i read your messages for you in the past. Now , you get paranoid when i touch your phone.
'well i guess im alot more independent now, now that it is over. i can very surely tell you that we are over, though i dun mind continuing seeing you. and i guess im giving myself lots more choices now. this is not the end of the world for me. i have still have the whole ocean to choose from. i guess you were just a very very painful lesson.'
If you wanted to have more choices. Tell me. Spare me the agony. Telling you need me by your side. Girl you are so fucked up. Telling me such stuff to make me guilty and to stay. But all along you were just holding to me as a life buoyant.
AdiĆ³s girl. This time , i leave with no regrets , no guilt hanging on my soul. Good bye and fuck you bitch. Hope you continue getting fucked by life.
posted at [12:43 AM]
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Thursday, August 09, 2007
The way you talked to me.
I realised that it was really all over for you.
Looks like i was the fool to have put my heart and soul into everything.
Looks like it was all just a lie.
Oh well , its not the first time.
posted at [3:13 PM]
I wasn't sure. Then i made a couple of calls. Now im pretty god damned sure.
I don't deny we missed all the time we had together. Those times where things were just so right. But some how , some where , you made a choice and every thing went downhill.
I'll miss all the things that we did together. hurt as it may, i must let go. Big guys cry too. But its over. I'm sucking it up and letting it go.
Suddenly i feel so free now that i don't know how and where to fly to anymore.
So guys , if you are still reading my blog, everything is over and im longer MIA. Lets hit the clubs once more.
posted at [12:10 AM]
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I hate it. I realised today. How insignificant i am. No one bothers to sms me if i don't make the first move.
Can't some one just like, msg me and ask. Hows your day? Because it really sucked.
But oh well, hasn't it been like for months? Looks like i'll have to get used to this... independent life.
At least buddies are always there to stay. BGR DON'T
Im going out to dinner with marg. Oh well, thats what true friends are for.
posted at [6:23 PM]
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I have let go of everything. Everything. I've changed , i've grown. Nothing hurts me as much anymore.
I'm confused about my feelings. but i know somehow ,that decision was the best. Good luck.Labels: Letting go
posted at [12:52 AM]
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I know i know , im not blogging for almost 3 months.
2006 was a storm. A frigging tornado. Things went by so fast. So so fast. Lets countdown to the things that made it all so special.
First off , 2 months working at Accord. It was a blast! First time i actually worked in warehouse. Learn many stuff that i probably could apply in the future , the guys were nice. Especially this china guy. I used to remember his name. Guo Bing i think. He works from 8am-10pm. No less. But he gets low pay. $3.20 an hour? and $4.80 for OT? What a joke. I get paid $5/h even though all i do is just sleep and occassionally help them with stock taking. I realised what a unbalanced world it is out there.
CADC FOC:
Current Affairs and debating club freshman orientation camp. Sing song talk cock , play mahjong. Lets exclude the mahjong. At st john. Should be first time there. Food sucked , games sucked , programmes sucked. But.. the people made it worthwhile. Made friends with people like Siu Ping, Jia Rong and a few others. Not very impactful on my life but it brought me to the start of a new life.
Built Environment Freshman Orientation camp:
Got together with Calvin , Vincent , Yuping , Si Min and the rest like Gabriel ETC ETC ETC. Lets just say.. i had fun during this camp. These people formed up the majority of my good friends in poly. Cool bunch of ppl to hang out and definitely the people who will be there to break your fall.
ICE Camp:
Lots of things to say. Way too Much to say. First time i was actually a facilitator of a camp. First time i was rightfully a leader. I wasn't a rebel. I just hope that i did well. Heart broken and heart repaired over the camp. A memorable camp. One that will stay in my heart for life. Also the place which i met my darling.
Heart Wrenching/Warming Moments
The painful and lonely new year , where i spent alone drinking with my sisters and her friends
The moment before i went to bintan. I went on a good note, thinking that you were finally back to me. The next day on my heart , you broke it again.
At the icecamp. The message you sent to me , broken everything again. Then some one special came along and pieced it up again and it has remain whole till now.
Moments of sorrow
Cadc Basketball team. We lost. Lost badly. But im not sad about that. Im sad about how you all each left one by one after we lost one by one. Im dissappointed. The promises you all made , the ambitions you all had , where did they go? So much for what i put in.
School of Design
Some how , some day , i received a phone call. 'Do you think you can be president? For SD?' It took me a while to decide. Will i have time for my girl? Will i do a good job?
But i wanted to change things. I hate long song sessions in camp. I hate telematches after telematches at camp. Why cant some one be special and suprise me abit.So thought , why cant i do it? So here i am , doing it. Changing things.
The troubles , the sorrows , the problems i had. No one will ever know. Because it takes some one to be me to know me. In fact i will create a secret blog to talk about everything.
Friends
People that i thought would have left. People like Zi yang , boon kiat ,Smac and the rest. I thought the moment i step out of kranji, i would be out of your minds , gone with a poof. But you guys stayed. I appreciate that friendship , i adore the loyalty and i will return all that goodwill the best i can.
posted at [7:13 PM]
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Friday, November 24, 2006
Long time since i last blogged. I practicaly end up home at 1am a day.
Super busy. The past month was hectic like hell. Becoming a president, getting involved once again in a relationship and projects. Life aint easy..
I'll keep updating soon.
posted at [1:23 AM]
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Yeah , to every one whos been guessing. I am finally attached after messing around for so long. Its time to settle down. I know all of you have been waiting so long for the day i would say this right? :p
I think things would last. definitely.
But still im so busy with school and projects and every thing that i dont even know how to manage my time. I feel like im losing my friends. But i know , true friends stay. And im grateful to them for that and i hope that it stays that way.
But life's good. LG haha. And i finalyl got my long awaited pay. Shopping anyone? haha.
I love my darling.
posted at [11:44 AM]
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Sorry for the long period of time that i was away. Haha, seriously , i have alot more commitments recently. The closer you are to me , the more you know. :p Does that make you want to talk to me more?
But really , it aint easy. I know i have been promsing to go out with alot of ppl but always couldnt make it. Sorry. Things just happen to crop up at the last minute. Hey, but still , just gimme some time and i'll adapt to this new lifestyle . I promise.
And yeah, gotta buck up for my projects. This last primer is seriously important. So catch me during the holidays k? :p
I still have many many many thingsi want to go do. KBOX< , movies , clubbing , everything! haha So please please invite me out because i will still try to attend each of them.
posted at [10:58 PM]
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Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Why is this always happening , do i really get my happiness by riding on the pain of others?
I was truly happy recently. But im feeling like shit when it comes. Can't you see it? Im hurting all over inside. Perhaps, its just time. I don't wish to be like this all the time. Sorry for all those that i hurt.
It'll end pretty soon.
(continued some where else)
posted at [1:46 AM]
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Saturday, September 30, 2006
Hm... First off... bad start in the morning. Lets talk about basketball, had abit of fun. But im sorry to my other members, i shouldn't have lost my temper. To the few that i promised , I won't say such things again. I'm going to carry out my promise , to perservere.
Before that was the message, he messaged me , i was kinda looking forward to it. At least after that.. i was more sure of everything i want. But .. it made me think alot today.. Things can be simple or complicated. Its what you choose.
Was generaly happy the past few days , went out quite alot , mainly for dinner only though. But im happy.
Everything you do matters to me alot, it might be small things, but it matters to me. I'm just like that. Lets talk.
posted at [8:09 PM]
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Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Mentally and Physically unwell.
New entry in private blog.
Tell me who am i
The good
http://kevan.org/johari?name=Peng%20Yu
And the bad.
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Peng+Yu
posted at [6:49 PM]
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